If it wasn’t bad enough having bipolar AND borderline disorder, I had to do another ‘personality’ test of some kind, at which point they found that I also had schizoaffective traits as well as paranoia. OH joy! ‘Well, these are just labels’, I thought, and although I was a bit distressed, because yes, I am paranoid, I kind of ‘shelved’ it. Or so I thought.
About a week later, I started with severe panic attacks. Now, to a normal person, who does not suffer a mental condition, a panic attack is horrific! Multiply that by 1000 for a bipolar/borderline, and you have panic on overdrive, convinced you’re having a heart attack, convinced your lips are blue, searching the internet for what it means to have blue lips, lying down all the time to stop the missing heart beats, too afraid to sleep, lest you don’t wake up, not walking, because that caused your heart to speed up, and you fire like a heat seeking missile in your brain, with horror thoughts that are so severe, not only would they top any horror movie made to date, but you wish death would just take you, to stop the ‘make no sense, loud’ nightmare in your mind. You then resort to hysterics…so………….you do what anyone would do. You go to the doctor, because you really, and sincerely are suffering, but really suffering. Not just a little bit. You are DYING suffering.
Once again, you have to make that trip to the Doctor, who, by now, you know, doesn’t care, doesn’t understand, and was taught to only act according to his or her book.
I went into my doctors room, crying hysterically, clearly not coping, I was a mess. I explained my panic attacks, and I have never ever asked my doctors for anti anxiety pills ever, so this was not as if I was trying to ‘score drugs’…
She asks me ‘what is troubling you?’ I say ‘I don’t know, I’m bipolar and borderline and just been diagnosed with 2 other symptoms and I am suffering from such panic I can’t breathe. I need some anti anxiety tablets until I get over this please’..
She then says ‘have you thoughts of suicide? have you tried to harm yourself’??? (at this point, I’m ready to smash her face in)…and all I can do is cry and repeat myself about my out of control panic and of course tell her NO (I would’ve done that already if that were the case)..anyway, remember, it’s the ‘book’ that she’s talking from.
She’s not seeing a woman is distress, she’s seeing a sufferer of bipolar and borderline with a few other disorders added to the list, and she needs to get ‘this one’ out of the room quickly. Too much work this one. ‘I don’t want to listen to the drama’ she’s thinking ‘besides, it’s nearly lunchtime, and I’m hungry’….
She then tells me, that she’ll make an urgent appointment with my Psychiatrist, who’ll be able to see me in…say…2 weeks time, and ‘will that help’? are you f…ing kidding me???? To which I respond, calmly, yet still tearfully, ‘How will that help me, right NOW, I feel as though I’m dying. I’m so distressed, I’m hysterical’?? (she’s obviously not noticing or caring).
‘I don’t know what else I can do’ she says…..So I then say rather loudly ‘Give me a script for some MILD tranquillisers, I’ve never asked for them before, and I’m NOT coping! I’m mentally ill, and I’m NOT coping! HELP me please.!!!
She then says ‘I’m sorry, but you could get addicted to diazapams, I can’t do that’??? OMG!!! So, at this point, I’m thinking of really horrible things to do to her, when I say
‘you know what? forget it, I’ll go and get some weed and smoke it. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, and yet, how many of your patients DO? Do you EVER question them, or tell them they cannot drink, in case they get addicted? OR smoke? I’ve heard tobacco is very addictive!!! and yet, here I am, a non-smoker, non-drinker, pretty bloody boring person, with a crap life, and I’m dying. You won’t prescribe me a few lousy tranquillisers in case I get addicted!!! seriously???’ ‘Thank you’ I say, ‘Thanks to YOU, I will now become a happy smoker of weed. As much as I can get! and when I’m asked why by some other doctor who perhaps cares, I’ll explain your short sighted, stupid, ignorance’. ‘I think you should move to another profession’
I find it absolutely unbelievable, that doctors, who are not Psychiatrists, but are doctors nontheless, are so insensitive to sufferers of bipolar and borderline. They know next to nothing about these severe conditions and I personally only know ONE doctor, who is very clued up on mental illness, but only due to the fact that he took the time to study it. It’s disgraceful that there are so many people suffering these conditions, left untreated by doctors like the one I saw, who sometimes, upon leaving a doctor with a visit outcome like mine, could end up taking another’s life. Due to not been given VERY much needed tranquillisers to CALM the patient down! If a mentally ill person is NOT calmed down, when presenting hysterical and in a severe state of distress, they could be a danger to themselves, and others.
The LAST thing a doctor should care about in a case such as mine was, is addiction. The first thing she should’ve cared or worried about was ME and my state of mind, and the fact that I SHOULD be calmed down, as I could be a danger to either myself or others! When will they learn?
Love
Jade x
oh, and if you’re wondering how I calmed down? I did smoke weed and it worked a charm! Then, I went to the intelligent doctor I know, who found the actions of the first doctor I saw outrageous, and prescribed me a months worth of tranquillisers!
bipolarline 