Hi everyone

So, it had to happen sometime. I am going to come clean with who I am. The reason for this, is that I’m in the process of writing a book about all of ‘us’ (no one in particular), just this condition, the crappy doctors, the bad parenting, the ups, the downs and the all arounds, and as I’ve been vlogging for over a year and have about 300 subscribers, I thought perhaps you guys would want to watch some of my videos on Utube and subscribe, or not:) Whatever makes you feel ok.

You see, I have been a motivational speaker before my condition got the better of me, and so motivating people is second nature to me. I also think that people like us, people with mental conditions, are more prone to being able to be empathetic with others, probably because we have been mostly  miserable, and we know WELL what it feels like to need comfort and support.

So, if you watch my vlogs, you’ll get to know me, and maybe some of what I say will comfort you. I hope so. Please feel free to leave comments if you like.

I do not believe that people with mental illness should be stigmatised, so I run a Company, and the people who are subscribed to my blogs don’t know that I’m Bipolar. I don’t mind, because my book is half way through, and they will know soon enough:) Like all of you, we are all in this great big pot together and we are safe in numbers haha

If you want to add anything to the book (for no renumeration), but just for your own interest, please let me know. I have already used a lot of what my friends from my vlogs have told me, which makes it even more interesting. Bipolar/Borderline/Schizoaffective and all the others, are conditions that demand respect, love, empathy and understanding. What the people who are not afflicted with these conditions do NOT realise, is that we, who have these conditions are super intelligent and we see right through them when they are trying to be ‘nice’, but don’t mean a word! It’s all going in the book, including the crappy, stupid doctors. I have a vlog on them.

I’ve also addressed the problem that people who live with bipolars or borderlines have, so this is not a one-sided book and I hope I’ll have covered it all. I just know that there is SO much WE, the people who are mentally ill, want to say, that we never get to say, and I am making the book about that.

I’m sorry I gave myself a pseudonym ‘Jade’ but I thought at the time it was great! – Bipolar oh joy….

Enjoy.

TheDeborahMann

Utube – Bipolar/mental illness

Deborah

 

mama never knew me and I didn’t have a name

growing up in dustbins, I always lived in shame.

at school the kids all mocked me, as my clothes were always torn

mama had no money, I wasn’t to the manor born

when I grew up I was hard and strong

from living a life where I didn’t belong.

I learnt how to defend myself, I learnt how to fight back

I never learnt about my illness, Until my first attack.

I thought I had the answers, I braved them as a child

I tried so hard to survive, and then my mind went wild.

When I tried to end my life, he told me I was sick

I laughed at them then cried at them, then screamed ‘you’re just a prick!

How could I understand this, it made no sense at all

I wondered if this was due to the fact that I was abused when small?

I vowed that I would kill them, I thought that would make me well

Then I realised, then I learnt, there’s no escaping from this hell

Now as every morning breaks, I fearfully open my eyes

I wonder what mood is waiting, I’m waiting for my surprise

Should I take the green pill, or should I take the blue?

As I look at them, lying in my hand, I really don’t have a clue

My mind is wandering day by day, at times I feel like dying

It seems that I could sit for days, in my bed just crying

Am I happy, or am I sad, does it really matter?

mama never knew me, and I still hear the dustbins clatter.

 

Jade x

 

 

Selling Your Soul

Posted: September 21, 2013 in Borderline and bipolar disorders

I’m reblogging from ‘Fall from grace’, because I too was in this profession, and this is a story everyone should KNOW!

If it wasn’t bad enough having bipolar AND borderline disorder, I had to do another ‘personality’ test of some kind, at which point they found that I also had schizoaffective traits as well as paranoia. OH joy!  ‘Well, these are just labels’, I thought, and although I was a bit distressed, because yes, I am paranoid, I kind of ‘shelved’ it. Or so I thought.

About a week later, I started with severe panic attacks. Now, to a normal person, who does not suffer a mental condition, a panic attack is horrific! Multiply that by 1000 for a bipolar/borderline, and you have panic on overdrive, convinced you’re having a heart attack, convinced your lips are blue, searching the internet for what it means to have blue lips, lying down all the time to stop the missing heart beats, too afraid to sleep, lest you don’t wake up, not walking, because that caused your heart to speed up, and you fire like a heat seeking missile in your brain, with horror thoughts that are so severe, not only would they top any horror movie made to date, but you wish death would just take you, to stop the ‘make no sense, loud’ nightmare in your mind. You then resort to hysterics…so………….you do what anyone would do. You go to the doctor, because you really, and sincerely are suffering, but really suffering. Not just a little bit. You are DYING suffering.

Once again, you have to make that trip to the Doctor, who, by now, you know, doesn’t care, doesn’t understand, and was taught to only act according to his or her book. 

I went into my doctors room, crying hysterically, clearly not coping, I was a mess. I explained my panic attacks, and I have never ever asked my doctors for anti anxiety pills ever, so this was not as if I was trying to ‘score drugs’…

She asks me ‘what is troubling you?’ I say ‘I don’t know, I’m bipolar and borderline and just been diagnosed with 2 other symptoms and I am suffering from such panic I can’t breathe. I need some anti anxiety tablets until I get over this please’..

She then says ‘have you thoughts of suicide? have you tried to harm yourself’??? (at this point, I’m ready to smash her face in)…and all I can do is cry and repeat myself about my out of control panic and of course tell her NO (I would’ve done that already if that were the case)..anyway, remember, it’s the ‘book’ that she’s talking from.

She’s not seeing a woman is distress, she’s seeing a sufferer of bipolar and borderline with a few other disorders added to the list, and she needs to get ‘this one’ out of the room quickly. Too much work this one. ‘I don’t want to listen to the drama’ she’s thinking ‘besides, it’s nearly lunchtime, and I’m hungry’….

She then tells me, that she’ll make an urgent appointment with my Psychiatrist, who’ll be able to see me in…say…2 weeks time, and ‘will that help’? are you f…ing kidding me????   To which I respond, calmly, yet still tearfully, ‘How will that help me, right NOW, I feel as though I’m dying. I’m so distressed, I’m hysterical’?? (she’s obviously not noticing or caring).

‘I don’t know what else I can do’ she says…..So I then say rather loudly ‘Give me a script for some MILD tranquillisers, I’ve never asked for them before, and I’m NOT coping! I’m mentally ill, and I’m NOT coping! HELP me please.!!!

She then says ‘I’m sorry, but you could get addicted to diazapams, I can’t do that’??? OMG!!! So, at this point, I’m thinking of really horrible things to do to her, when I say

‘you know what? forget it, I’ll go and get some weed and smoke it. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, and yet, how many of your patients DO? Do you EVER question them, or tell them they cannot drink, in case they get addicted? OR smoke? I’ve heard tobacco is very addictive!!! and yet, here I am, a non-smoker, non-drinker, pretty bloody boring person, with a crap life, and I’m dying. You won’t prescribe me a few lousy tranquillisers in case I get addicted!!! seriously???’ ‘Thank you’ I say, ‘Thanks to YOU, I will now become a happy smoker of weed. As much as I can get! and when I’m asked why by some other doctor who perhaps cares, I’ll explain your short sighted, stupid, ignorance’. ‘I think you should move to another profession’

I find it absolutely unbelievable, that doctors, who are not Psychiatrists, but are doctors nontheless, are so insensitive to sufferers of bipolar and borderline. They know next to nothing about these severe conditions and I personally only know ONE doctor, who is very clued up on mental illness, but only due to the fact that he took the time to study it. It’s disgraceful that there are so many people suffering these conditions, left untreated by doctors like the one I saw, who sometimes, upon leaving a doctor with a visit outcome like mine, could end up taking another’s life. Due to not been given VERY much needed tranquillisers to CALM the patient down! If a mentally ill person is NOT calmed down, when presenting hysterical and in a severe state of distress, they could be a danger to themselves, and others. 

The LAST thing a doctor should care about in a case such as mine was, is addiction. The first thing she should’ve cared or worried about was ME and my state of mind, and the fact that I SHOULD be calmed down, as I could be a danger to either myself or others! When will they learn?

Love

Jade x

oh, and if you’re wondering how I calmed down? I did smoke weed and it worked a charm! Then, I went to the intelligent doctor I know, who found the actions of the first doctor I saw outrageous, and prescribed me a months worth of tranquillisers! 

 

 

Bipolar and Borderline sufferers tend to weave a cocoon, much like a butterfly, around ourselves for protection from a world we are mostly afraid of. 

As this analogy I’m using to demonstrate the life cycle of Bipolar and Borderline sufferers is so apt…

The pupa stage is one of the coolest stages of a butterfly’s life.  As soon as a caterpillar is done growing and they have reached their full length/weight, they form themselves into a pupa, also known as a chrysalis.  From the outside of the pupa, it looks as if the caterpillar may just be resting, but the inside is where all of the action is.  Inside of the pupa, the caterpillar is rapidly changing. 

In borderline and bipolar sufferers, the pupa stage, is perhaps our ‘coolest’ stage, because it’s in this stage, that we are able to marinate in ourselves, unexposed to the world, wrapped up safely in our beds, our own worlds, contemplating who we are, all the while, doing what needs to be done on a practical level within this world. Like do the shopping, paying the bills, taking care of the kids and so on, yet still, we remain in our ‘pupa’ stage. We are wrapped up in our own little world of ‘safe’, where no one can rock our boats, and if someone does manage to, we are able to sink further into our ‘pupa’ and nobody knows.

Yes, we appear to be ‘resting’ to the outside world, whilst inside, we are juggling a thousand thoughts, emotions and unexplainable dreams. Inside our pupa, whilst shielding ourselves, we start the healing process, see doctors, start the meds, adjust our behaviours, and, as this analogy clearly states, we are changing. But we are changing/healing, so that we can emerge as the beautiful butterflies that we truly are!

So we start out as caterpillars that are completely alone, having to eat as much of the same leaf we are born onto as we can. We are stuck. We can’t move about. We can’t do anything. We just sit and eat.

Then, as humans, we have to weave a pupa/cocoon, just like a caterpillar, whilst we work ourselves and our odd behaviours out. We need space, not ridicule or anger to get to a place of understanding of who we really are. To get to who we really are. Not the worm/caterpillar we started out as.

And then!  when we are ready, we climb out of our cocoon, only to find that we are strikingly beautiful butterflies and not worms at all! 

The amazing part, is that while we were worms, we had no idea that we were not worms.  Inside what presented itself as a worm, lay a beautiful butterfly, just waiting to be released when we were ready to be the butterfly that we always were.

So now we realise that we can fly. We are free. We are beautiful, there is no end to what we can achieve,  because after years of being stuck in our cocoon, we’ve endured the pain, the confusion, the loneliness, the judgement and the overall horror of being a worm. So we’ve earned our wings!

Fly my fellow caterpillars and may the wind always carry you.

 love

Jade x 

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